Jake Crown

Jake Crown is a multi-instrumental musician who has played in punk bands for decades and is the vocalist-guitarist half of Coffee Project. He is what I’d consider a food expert in that he has worked in professional kitchens, owned a food truck, grows vegetables in his backyard in Gainesville, Florida, and makes a bitchin’ vegan chili even when it’s 90 degrees out. He’s also a standup comic who specializes in jokes about things you can eat. Jake’s my writing partner and one of my favorite people to talk to, so we chatted about food stuff.

Professional experiences

What’s something you learned working in kitchens that you still use today?

The wings aren’t done until they floatin’.

What was the best thing about running your food truck?

The fun factor of literally cooking hundreds of meals out of a little truck. Side note, though, most restaurant kitchens aren’t THAT much bigger than a food truck kitchen.

How and when did you learn how to cook?

I learned how to cook when I got a job at this place Mark’s. I worked with some rad folks, and we all taught each other skills, tips, etc. It was great.

How did you get into food as a line of work?

I was in a band, LOL.

Do you have any cool scars from working in kitchens?

Cool might not be the word, but yeah, holy shit. I have tons of burn scars. I also peeled my finger with a peeler while peeling potatoes. That sucked.

What prompted you to leave the industry?

I left the industry because I wanted weekends off. Simple as that. I loved working in restaurants, and think industry folks deserve more credit for their craft. People don’t look at the industry as a real job. In my opinion, it’s the realest.

Do you think anyone can succeed in a professional kitchen? Why or why not?

It takes a special type of personality. You MUST be ready to yell, freak out, stress, but then afterwards hang with your coworkers in a dingy bar and laugh it off until the next night.

What do you miss most about working with food?

I don’t miss it. I put in a decade or so and don’t miss missing every holiday and weekend. It really fucked up relationships, and made me miss lots of good shows!

What’s the worst thing that ever happened when you were in that line of work?

What I said above, really. The worst thing that happened was missing out on life, weekends, holidays with family, etc.

What dish can you make that’s a huge pain in the ass to put together but worth it every time?

Nothing is a pain in the ass to cook. It’s all about taking a deep breath, going all-in and sharpening the knives.

What can you cook that you think would surprise people who know you?

I think most people think that I am just some beer-drinking, wing-eating bro, but I can cook some pretty intense intricate meals. I make really good vegan chili.

What’s the coolest edible thing you ever grew in your garden?

I have had little success with veggie gardens, but the coolest thing I have grown would be this intense Italian parsley. I put it on everything. It’s still going strong and I don’t even do shit to it. I just look at it, and give a thumbs up. It’s a mild flavor that goes so well with most dishes.

Expert opinions

What beer pairs best with chicken tenders?

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale!

What’s the best pizza you ever had?

OOF. This is tough to answer. I had a pizza in Baltimore once and can’t remember the name, but damn. Was amazing. I also love Satchels Squared Detroit-style pizza, which is new to Gainesville. I had pizza in Italy while on tour which was also amazing.

With Thanksgiving being all on Zoom this year, what did you eat?

I think I made spaghetti and Beyond Meat crumbles. Very festive.

You write a lot of food jokes. To you, what food is the most fun to joke about?

Things that are relatable are good jokes to use. Off-brand stuff like Hunts Ketchup. It’s an easy joke. Tab soda is probably a good bit in the making.

Where do you stand on pineapple as a pizza topping?

I don’t have a firm opinion, to be honest. I like pepperoni and green pepper on my pizza, no need for pineapple.

What’s the “grossest” or weirdest food you’re totally about?

Weirdest food that I love is calamari. I think it’s weird to eat a squid, but DAMN it’s good with marinara.

If it was your last meal and you could only get fast food, which chain are you picking?

FIVE GUYS BURGERS 100%.

Do you take your coffee black or do you love yourself?

I drink my coffee half-caff with half and half. No sugar or any other weird stuff.

Do you ever cook “people food” for your cat?

If I am making tuna fish salad, I will break my cat off a little chunk. She smells the tuna the second I open the can, and it’s our little bonding food.

What’s your go-to happy hour appetizer order?

Mozzarella sticks, meat on a stick, fries.

Do you have a favorite Weird Al song about food?

“Grapefruit Diet” off of the Running with Scissors record. It’s underrated and awesome.

What’s your favorite food-related TV show?

Woof, this could be a number of shows…but I’d say Bob’s Burgers.

Do you have a bucket-list kind of meat you’d be excited to try if you saw it offered at a restaurant?

Not really. I eat a lot of vegetarian and I think I’d love to try some exotic veggies that I can’t get in ole Florida.

Is there any food you’re sure you wouldn’t like even if you’ve never tried it?

Olives.

If you had to represent or do justice to your hometown in one food order, what would it include?

I think Satchels Pizza IS Gainesville. It might not be the best, but it’s really, really good and is VERY Gainesville.

If a friend from out of town was visiting you in Gainesville, where would you take them to eat? It could be more than one place, like a bar hop for food.

I would take said friend to the 4th Ave food park, which is new, and has breakfast options such as breakfast bagels, waffles, and breakfast tacos. For lunch, I would take said friend to Satchels Pizza. For dinner, I would take said friend to Crane Ramen to eat some Gyoza and Ramen, mmmm.

Jake performs standup and hosts trivia in Gainesville, Florida. Coffee Project’s Bandcamp lives here. Jake runs an Instagram page that showcases roadside trash around the world and also has a cute cat.